They grew up so fast.

I've been a mommy for 4 and a half years now, and it's been a complete mess. And when I say mess I don't necessarily mean - a bad mess, but a mess of feelings, upside-downs, good, better, best things, and rarely bad things. It's been chaotic.

I gave a birth to my first baby boy 4 and a half years ago and I didn't like the idea of being a mother... It took me a few months to realize that I am completely in love with this creature. Completely. It's that kind of love - when you completely lose your head and lose your mind. There was no day when we were apart. We were together all the time, playing, laughing, doing everything together... And exactly 2 years and 3 months after he was born I gave a birth to another human being, my second baby boy. And this time, I completely hated the idea of a second child. I thought that I will never have time for my first baby boy, I thought he is going to be neglected not by my choice, but because I will have to spend more time with a newborn... And that's exactly how it did happen, but only in my eyes. He got enough love, enough playtime, enough of everything, but for me - that wasn't enough. I wanted him all the time, and I also wanted that newborn in my life... But that was something that just could not happen.

I wasn't working, my husband was working for all of us, and of course, money was always the problem, we had it, but simply not enough, so he had to work all day long to provide everything, and I had to be a mother, a housekeeper, a cleaning person, a chef, everything. I had to juggle between my kids and my obligations, and just like that, they grew up... How dare they?

I started feeling anxious and I never stopped feeling that way. They did grow up, and they did it in a blink of an eye. I feel like I missed everything, but I was there, I didn't.
They started playing with each other, I had much more obligations than before, and when I had a few free moments, I was grumpy. I was trying so hard to be there for them, to play with them, but it was never enough.

I will never know what type of curse is this, but I hate the fact that they need to grow up, and they are growing up, and I just want to stop this chaotic world, and just play with them forever.

And the saddest sentence I hear almost every day, and it's killing me - "They grew up so fast". Yes. for fucking sake, yes, they did.